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Hard to Trust
Right before I graduated I was praying and contemplating going to college. I knew what I wanted to do with my life involved ministry but I didn’t really have a specific leading from God about how to pursue that.
There were others around me saying I needed to go to college, and I wanted to go because I wasn’t trying to not do anything with my life. But I didn’t know what to do.
At this time in my life I was filled with doubt and confusion in every area concerning my future. My prayers often consisted of, “God what are you doing in my life? I want a dream and a passion. I want a future, and I want it right now.”
I wanted God to show up Himself and tell me what I was supposed to do with my life. It seemed like everyone around me knew what they were doing, including my younger brother… and yet I felt like I didn’t have anything.
In my life at this time my parents were caregivers to a quadriplegic minister named Howard Bell who after a month would be traveling with his good friend Eddie James and preaching at his events.
So I had a month to decide if I was going on the road with them, or what???
I put a lot of pressure on myself to find an answer, to hear from God and have a plan. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I looked up colleges, jobs, everything I could think of that would be an answer.
I didn’t get a strong no to college, jobs, etc…, but I definitely didn’t get a yes.
It felt like God was saying wait and trust Him.
This made me mad, because I wanted a future of my own I was tired of helping others with their dreams.
But God said trust me. Follow Me. Give your worries to me, and let My peace give you hope.
At the end of the month I decided I would listen to God, and I went on the road with my family and Howard Bell.
What I didn’t know was that was going to be a short season for me, less than a year… then I would meet the man that I would marry.
God did so much in that season, a lot of it wasn’t easy. But what came from it was the biggest blessing I’ve ever received.
I look back and I am so glad I chose to trust God, because in doing so I met and married the love of my life… the destiny and future I wanted was much closer than I had thought possible!
And my life is much better than if I had went off on my own to some random college.
I challenge you to look at all aspects of your life, and see how much of it you’ve given to God to lead. If you find areas you know you are in control and not Him, I pray you give them to God.
Trust me, when you trust Him it may not look like what you thought you want but it ends up being better than anything you could have dreamed!!!
Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
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Eyes Foward
Matthew 11:28-30
New King James Version (NKJV)
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
One thing I’ve learned today is as this year has been AMAZING with the start of my marriage in March and getting pregnant in September, it’s also been really rough. From dealing with a hard boss and having to drop everything to help my parents move from Tennessee to Arizona, because my mom probably has Multiple Sclerosis (we should know on the 15th of January for sure) to reestablishing our life in Arizona while trying to help both of my parents who are now unable… somewhere along the way the weight of what was going on just kept getting heavier and heavier.
We trusted God through it all and continue to, and we can’t do it without Him. But I forgot a very important step along the way: letting go.
It’s been really hard the past couple of months and it’s not over yet, but God has continually provided and has helped beyond what I could do on my own.. and it’s still been hard. That doesn’t mean God isn’t there or isn’t leading everything.
After realizing this, I heard God saying and showing me that it’s not something I need to take with me into the New Year.
Let it go and keep my eyes forward. It’s not my fault what has happened, it’s not my burden to carry. I can’t change anything by holding on to the weight. It doesn’t help anybody to hold onto all the stress, pain, anger, hurt, etc..
At the same time, choosing to ignore the weight like it wasn’t something I was carrying, didn’t make the fact that my mom probably has MS or that I don’t know sometimes if we can make it to the next paycheck or any of the struggles and things that happened… not happen….
Let go and keep my eyes forward.
So I prayed, God help me let this go, I lay it at your feet, give me your strength and peace, etc…
He did.
This next year is full of opportunities, blessings, and yes probably more hard stuff. But, it’s something I’m excited to walk into knowing that as I keep my eyes forward the things of last year aren’t in my hands but completely left in God’s; as is the new year I’m about to step into.
I recommend that you look at what you may be carrying from the past year that you can give to God. Let it go and keep your eyes forward.
Trust me life is much better when you don’t have anything weighing you down or hurting you. Life is so much better when everything is in God’s hands.
Matthew 11:28-30
New King James Version (NKJV)
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
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Labor Pains
To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16
For the longest time I didn’t understand why with childbirth women still went through extreme pain. I mean Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins, by grace we are made new… Why do we then still suffer for a sin made long ago? I didn’t understand it but that didn’t change the fact I trusted God, He has His reasoning. I was never mad at God because of it, just something I didn’t understand.
A little over 5 weeks ago I gave birth to my beautiful healthy son. I labored over 22 hours, had him at home, unassisted (just God and my husband), in active labor (the hardest part) for over 9 hours, no pain medicine….
I was so tired and at the end the pain never stopped. It was constant for so long. It was all I could do to just breathe and try to relax through it.
There was a moment when my husband told me he saw our baby’s head crowning. No exaggeration, everything dimmed and my excitement rose like none before… My energy skyrocketed, the pain was still there but like a small buzzing in the background of my focus. I pushed my hardest and within 2 minutes my baby boy came home to my husband and I.
I remember staring at my boy, so grateful for the 9+ months I had carried him as he developed. I was so grateful for the last 22+ hours of labor… looking at his face there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have gone through to get to him.
It doesn’t matter anymore how hard it was, how much I had to change. I can’t even remember how hard it was, with every passing day the details and memories fade and what takes its place is something so much better… my boy. My little hungry hippo, my chunky monkey, my little man, my cutie, my Matthew.
I still don’t know why God still has us go through the pain of labor… but after giving birth I realize, I’m grateful we do.
It challenges me to look at things in a different way. For God to birth something so amazing as my son, it took a process that wasn’t easy. I had to change. It took time, it took pain, a lot of time being uncomfortable, not being in control, learning… a lot of praying. I had to let go to the process, embrace every step of the way, try my hardest but understand that some days you’re just tired.
I know that when you pray for something, when you see God doing something in you or your situation sometimes there’s a similar process. If you want something from God, especially something big, don’t be afraid of the process. Trust me He’ll take you through it, His timing, His way, His plan.
Pregnancy and giving birth are the hardest things I’ve ever been blessed to go through.
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